When I sat down with my large popcorn, all soybean-oiled up, along with my perfectly crafted triple flavor Icee + Coke Zero (no sugar! #healthconscious) float, I was already drafting my Instagram story gushing about how I was going to bet 10k on Kalshi that it would win Best Picture. But that’s not what happened.

SILICON VALLEY, CA—She just wanted “to draft a discussion post.” But at what cost? College student Lacey Pecker told Meathers News on Sunday that her phone’s STAB AI Chatbot spent the past 48 hours acting like Ghostface, the notorious masked killer from Wes Craven’s Scream franchise.

“Hey, hey! Are you alright?” Logan thought this was a bit on the nose for a therapist to ask, but it was necessary to snap him back to reality. Since his incident yesterday, he could not stop falling into this same trance, like he was plunging through an infinite digital abyss.

It’s fall, and you all know what that means: time for an October canon event.

Taylor Swift, the white feminist icon beloved by self-victimizing white women everywhere, released an additional four songs to her 2025 album, The Life of a Showgirl (TLS), on Sept. 25, 2026. With the release of the deluxe, Swift broke the Spotify record for most streamed female artist in a single day, thanks to the hard work of millions of AI bots and the now-water-scarce towns in rural Ohio.

“Anonymous Armadillo,” former group-project member on hiatus, shares the key to revolution: ghosting.

If I see Benson Boone do a backflip one more time, I will lose it. The only mystical and magical thing about new music today is how much I hate it—or at least, how much I hate the Grammys.

Patient arrived at clinic exhibiting clear symptoms of Acute Brain-Rot Slop Syndrome. When asked to describe their state of emotion, patient reported “ngl, it’s kinda joever right now.” When asked to elaborate, the patient responded with “holy yap.”

Hi, protein! High protein! Cleanse your mind of all other “p” words in your lexicon. The past? The present? The pernicious passing parcels of peace? There is only one “p” that matters here: “PROTEIN!”

It’s not often that PETA and conservatives find themselves on the same side of a political controversy. In fact, precisely 15 years have passed since the last time this occurred.