Dear Alejandro González Iñárritu, Signed an American
Dear Alejandro González Iñárritu,
When I heard you made a big-budget comedy starring Tom Cruise, I had never been more excited for anything, at least not since Taylor Swift released her beautiful, moving masterpiece “Patient Zero.” For context, I’m a really big movie guy. This year alone, I spent nearly ten hours in theaters watching Project Hail Mary, Obsession, Michael, and Spider-Man: Brand New Day. These are some of the greatest movies of the century, if not all time, featuring some of the best performances I’ve ever seen. (Sadie Sink genuinely deserves an Oscar for BND—whoever casted her needs a pay raise yesterday.)
When I sat down with my large popcorn, all soybean-oiled up, along with my perfectly crafted triple flavor Icee + Coke Zero (no sugar! #healthconscious) float, I was Capital R Ready to enjoy Digger. In fact, I was already drafting my Instagram story gushing about how I was going to bet 10k on Kalshi that it would win Best Picture.
But that’s not what happened.
First of all, I thought Tom Cruise was going to be in this movie, but instead it was just some disgusting fatass with a nasty-ass asscrack. Having paid $31.00 to witness Mr. Cruise’s majestic, rock-hard abs and his firm, supple cheeks in IMAX, I could not have been more disappointed when I was instead subjected to the human equivalent of a week-old triple whopper. If I wanted to see gross old people, I would’ve visited my grandma in her nursing home by now. (It’s okay, Grandma. I’ll see you at your funeral.)
There was also a considerable lack of starpower in the movie. Apart from the lady from Project Hail Mary (who I only remember because she sang a song by Harry Styles, a.k.a. the better version of David Bowie), I didn’t recognize anyone. Tom Cruise deserves a much better supporting cast than “John Goodman” and “Riz Ahmed.” Personally, I think The Rock or Tom Holland would’ve been excellent additions.
Since I mentioned who I would’ve liked to see in the movie, let’s talk about what I wish I didn’t see. I don’t think the movie needed the political stuff. I, for one, don’t like politics, and, besides, that’s not what movies are about. They’re about having FUN! Also, all the stuff about how everything in our world, including social media, is controlled by the rich and powerful is something I already learned from the only trustworthy news source: TikTok.
Speaking of TikTok, in the middle of my mid-movie scroll (and it was a really good one), Tom Cruise loudly and rudely interrupted by incessantly screaming about how all humans “secretly love oil” because it’s “necessary” for their “unsustainable lives.” (This, by the way, is totally false. I reduce, reuse, and recycle; I’m vegetarian on Tuesdays; and I only fly domestic. I’m pretty fucking sustainable.) The whole monologue was a microcosm of the biggest problem with the movie: wayyyyy too many words about stupid shit. It’s a movie, not a book! (There’s a reason why I don’t read.) It was incredibly mentally draining trying to stay afloat in the word tsunami that was Digger; I had to take a TikTok break every five minutes to prevent my brain from atrophying. The fact I don’t remember anything else from the movie (other than that it was very loud, which made it quite difficult to nap) clearly demonstrates it was a stinker.
When the credits started playing, I immediately left. (Some people stayed; I have no idea why, though, considering it was just some boring shots of random stuff.) Stepping out of the theatre, I immediately logged it on Letterboxd—2 stars, a generous score. Naturally, I added a hi-larious witticism: “did NOT dig it.” In the future, I do hope Mr. Cruise (minus the fat suit) does something cool and inventive like Mission: Impossible 9 instead of another dumb bummer like Digger. Now that is something my fellow Americans and I would absolutely dig!
Sincerely,
An American
P.S. Before I wrote this, I made sure to run all my criticisms past ChatGPT. I am pleased to inform you that Chat told me they were all totally valid and insightful. And, as I’m sure you know, he is never wrong.
Justin Sung is a Sophomore in the College studying Government. He has enough shame not to plug his Letterboxd. Just kidding! It’s @govsung.
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