Protein Maxxedout

Hi, protein! High protein! Cleanse your mind of all other “p” words in your lexicon. The past? The present? The pernicious passing parcels of peace? There is only one “p” that matters here: “PROTEIN!” For the fortune of those who have not encountered the tale of Dr. Proteinmaxx and his precarious protein curse, it is only courteous that I engage in an account of it.

A brumous sky was starkly interrupted by a most startling and blinding lightning which traversed through the sky until it landed upon a desolate, bleak grocery store. Alas! What ghastly horrors were bound to unfold! Inside the store, muscularly-enhanced beings grow both in number and size. But alas, these were not your typical creatures… They were ravenous, insatiable, and vapid— bearing a glistening neon glow. In an instant, the once humble poptart grew in width and breadth, transforming into a dimorphic protein-enhanced concoction. Popcorn turned distorted, and enormous as protein infected its existence. Disastrous, decaying donuts developed with protein. Even the beverages couldn’t escape unscathed: Matcha lattes transmuted to ghastly chartreuse. Soda dilapidated as it merged with protein. Even the noble water fell victim to the nefarious protein curse. 

Low, discordant mumbling and laughter could be heard from the outskirts of the grocery store. As a deeper, sulphurous glow overtook the demoniaced grocery store, the low laughter rapidly turned to maddening screeches. No doubt, only the villain who endeavored the preternatural protein products could have created such a chilling noise. 

Dr. Macron Proteinmaxx, a simple food scientist of an illustrious family and heir to the grocery store. A man whose insatiable desire for notoriety and fame consumed him whole. He lived quite a mundane life, and before the incident one might even call him a forgettable figure. Perhaps the bland nature of his routine drove him mad… Emboldened by a desperate want to be acknowledged, the doctor worked tirelessly at his lab to create a chemical combination that when combined with lightning, it morphed so addicting that many were even convinced it could help develop the body. One experiment succeeded another, and thus, the process of artificially enhancing everyday food and beverages with protein was born. Could the doctor have predicted the predicament his protein produced? Alas! That is up to you, reader.

The repugnant results of the depraved doctor’s devices indefinitely marked the future of mankind. Those who consumed the cursèd creations carried the being within them. No curse had ever been so nefarious— so grotesque. The creatures doubled in size, along with acquiring enlarged biceps, bloodshot eyes, pronounced veins and desire for destruction. The pursuit of protein produced an insatiable hunger which knew no bounds. I could no longer doubt the terrors which unfolded. Chaos fills the streets as the newly denominated “protein-maxxers” rummage through stores for hoards of protein-filled products. Big neon-lettered packaging labeled with “PROTEIN!” acts as their compass, and they pounce at the sight of anyone eating artificial protein slop. Once the creatures identify their newest victim, they use their protein-enhanced strength to attack, hungrily grasping for their victim's phony “protein” and leaving them for dead with a cursèd bite. The atrocities that have ensued are ineffable— far too brutal to describe in a student magazine. 

Protein-maxxers plague our human existence! Perhaps God’s creations have become so severely bastardized that he has abandoned our world! Will these beings eat anything with “PROTEIN!” written on the packaging? What are these cursèd beings even “maxxing”? Longevity? Muscle growth? Is protein a consenting party to this destruction? Will these cursèd beings be satiated? Trepidation has inflicted my conscience. I can no longer deny the despair which awaited. I shake with fear thinking of these accursed protein addicts. To the victims of this curse, a life of protein searching torture awaits… I weep, wondering to myself, what has the world come to? In a final bid for survival I have taken to hiding among a cornfield as a prey for the days where these creatures finally reach their limit. However, if I strain my ears, beyond the rustling corn stalks, I can hear the vicious howls of “PROTEIN!” edging closer.

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Isabella Pamias is a junior in the CAS studying Government. Her favorite source of protein: skirt steak!