The Absolute Best Pieces of Media to Break No Contact With Your Situationship This Fall
It’s fall, and you all know what that means: time for an October canon event. ‘Tis the season for performative straight couples to take girl in red’s “we fell in love in october” a bit too seriously and Instagram hard launch to a song that is very much not for, and certainly not about, them. But you know what’s even better than a relationship you can advertise? A situationship you can emotionally spiral over! Ghosted for two months? Well, now it’s time to put a white sheet over your head, cut holes for your eyes, and lure your way back into your situationship’s life. What an apt way to wish them: “Happy Halloween.” Wishing a “Happy Birthday” works too, I suppose, but if they’re a Scorpio I’d recommend you run. (Scorpio season aligning with spooky season can’t be a coincidence...).
What’s scarier: spooky season or mixed signals? Why live in fear of your situationship watching that movie or adding that song to their playlist when you can just send it to them instead? Accordingly, today I’ve collected some pieces of media I think you should send to your situationships this fall to break no contact!
Starting off strong, I have The Blue Nile’s 1989 “The Downtown Lights.” What could be worse than sending your unrequited love a song with the lyrics, “How do I know you feel it?” Matty Healy of the 1975 notably sent this song to Taylor Swift—a pivotal event during their decade-long situationship. The two obviously lived happily ever after since they both married different people this year! Healy sending this song brought Swift into a psychosis so massive that she mistook the recording studio for her Notes app. (See Taylor, not every thought needs to be released into music, and that’s okay!) As for you all, I recommend sending a cold text with the link to the song, and, if you’re feeling extra ambitious, adding a couple lyrics into the mix! Say something like, “This song reminds me of you.” They won’t be emotionally affected in any way, shape, or form, but you’ll be filled with guilt and sin for the next fortnight. Nothing more casual to convey you are “just friends” than that!
Up next, I have “Luna” from The Smashing Pumpkins’ 1993 album Siamese Dream. I encourage you to play this one on the guitar, record yourself playing, and post the clip on social media. I’m thinking of a more advanced, subtle approach for this technique: instead of posting on your personal account, create a secret Instagram account and follow all of your situationship’s favorite people (but not them). That’ll show ‘em! Bonus points if you make some extra burner accounts and comment, “Not ‘Luna’ stop </3” or “I’m in love.” (Think Channing Tatum before his burner got exposed.) Now you must wait for the Instagram algorithm to work its magic and get the post to appear on your situationship’s feed. Yet another reason to keep building more data centers: true love at its finest! Unleash your inner Gatsby: if your target doesn’t see it, make sure to repost the video on an account they didn’t mute/unfollow/block you on so they will immediately swipe up. And just like that, happy ending! This strategy is perfect for the avoidants who need the other person to break no contact first. Just keep posting those guitar songs (bonus points if they’re all from one of their playlists), and let the algorithm work its magic!
Of course I can’t forget about movie recommendations. My top pick to watch together has to be 500 Days of Summer (2009). This one I’ll break down into a series of steps that 100% guarantee the desired results:
1. Rent out a local theater after illegally purchasing the film.
2. Offer them a free, private cinematic experience, but don’t tell them what the movie playing will be.
3. Start the movie and make them sit there for the entire hour and 36 minutes in pure silence. Absolutely no talking allowed.
4. When the movie ends, ask them to identify–between Tom and Summer–who’s in the right and who’s in the wrong.
5. Add icing on the cake by asking which of the two of you is more like which character in the situationship.
6. Drive home together with The Smiths playing.
7. Marriage.
If you and your situationship aren’t currently on texting terms and you just want to get their attention, no problem! Send them a Reel of a Before Sunset (2004) edit. (Note: Sending Reels is encouraged as a communication tool for all of the above suggestions.) Any of the three films in Richard Linklater’s trilogy are acceptable, but I highly recommend the second because nothing is more situationship-coded than hyperfixating on a singular night you spent together and yearning to see them again. This is guaranteed to keep the stakes low and casual! It’s even better if you have both moved on and are in happy, healthy relationships now. Dating doesn’t mean engaged, engaged doesn’t mean married, and, even if you were married to someone else, marriages often lead to divorce anyway! Break up that relationship! Be a homewrecker! Your low-commitment-reels-sending-communicates-occasionally-ship is absolutely more important.
The list goes on and on, truly; there are so many great horror movies out there! This fall I encourage you to take Halloween into your own hands and live out these classic nightmares yourself!
Scarlett Smithen is a sophomore in SFS majoring in Yearnalism and minoring in Bushwick Male Manipulator Studies with a capstone project on the political and economic state of Cameron Winter’s America.
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