Let me tell you, it’s rough out here. These days everyone wants straight answers. Our world, increasingly polarized, has developed a black and white view of justice. But what if, for a second, we tried to find something in between? What if we explored the gay area—I mean gray area—between one side and the other?
My name is Sabrina Shaffer, and I am bisexual. Here is your complete guide to understanding bisexuals. For those of you who don’t know, a bisexual is like a straight person, except they are also homosexual. Sorry, am I going too fast? Let me use an analogy. Say there are two kinds of pie: apple and pumpkin. Sally prefers apple pie, while Johnny prefers pumpkin. But Brenda, well she just can’t seem to decide. Some might say she wants to have her pie and eat it too.
Anyway, back to the scheduled programming. Where was I?… Oh yes, so bisexuals are bad at making decisions. Like if you ask me if I want Chinese or Mexican food for dinner, how am I supposed to choose? On the one hand, you’ve got sweet and sour chicken morsels that melt on your tongue, coating your throat with gooey goodness on their way down. On the other hand, some jalapenos might really heat things up down there, if you know what I mean.
Another thing that’s super hard for bisexuals: getting dressed in the morning. Everyday I wake up and have to decide whether I want to look like a middle-aged father who still wears his clothes from the ‘90s OR a middle-aged mother who still wears her brother’s clothes from the ‘90s. With so much going on beneath the surface, I wonder if people really see me for me. Like, do they see me and think, “Wow, she’s so beautiful, smart, sexy, witty, and charming…” or do they think… wait no… that’s what everyone thinks. We’re also super humble.
As far as music goes, every bisexual’s top artist on Spotify, as a rule, is Frank Ocean. The dude really hits a chord when he says, “I see both sides like Chanel.” Other favorites include NSYNC’s “Bi, Bi, Bi” and Katy Perry’s lesser known hit “I Kissed a Girl and I Liked It (Then I Kissed a Boy and I Also Liked It).”
Being bisexual is a blast. First of all, you never have to worry about the gender-balance at parties because everyone is a hottie in your eyes. Second, it's super fun to confuse the straights by being in straight relationships but saying you’re gay. Third, bisexuals have more fun. It’s scientifically proven. Think of the most fun person you know—there’s an 87% chance that they are bisexual (source Georgetown Medstar). And, lastly, you get to have the silly conversation with your parents where they ask what gender you plan to marry, and when you say you don’t know, they have a conniption.
For all of you gays and straights out there, I hope I could provide a little bit of insight into the bisexual experience. At the end of the day, we’re just like you: stressed, depressed, and horny as fuck. You can’t put us into a box, and we sure as hell won’t go back in the closet.
Sabrina Shaffer is a sophomore in the SFS studying Regional and Comparative Studies. She is the Indy's Creative Director.