The Top 5 Guest Lecturers Georgetown Should Bring to Gaston Hall

Because what is a more enriching experience than standing in line in front of Gaston Hall for an indefinite amount of time? Now, that is the hallmark of the Georgetown experience. After an in-depth analysis of potential candidates, here are my fabulous top five.

5. Olivia Pope of Scandal

Georgetown’s most famous fictional alumna (sorry, Bill Clinton, but you’re not nearly dramatic enough) returns to campus to deliver a masterclass we all desperately need: “Crisis Management and Scandal Navigation.” Pope will teach students essential life skills like how to make any situation disappear with a single phone call, the art of a perfectly timed whisper, and the power of a well-placed, vaguely threatening stare. The lecture would be sponsored by the Cawley Career Center as “Alternative Career Paths in Morally Ambiguous Problem Solving.” (I’m sure at least one SFS course will provide extra-credit for attendance.)

4. Tom Holland (As Spider-Man? As Himself? We’re Honestly Not Sure)

How many actors have been to D.C.? Probably a lot. But now, how many have climbed the Washington Monument? That’s the real question. That life-sized poster plastered on a Vil A window (you know the one) makes for a welcoming atmosphere for this A-lister. Fresh off his heroic free-climbing of the Washington Monument to save classmates from a malfunctioning elevator, everyone’s favorite British acrobat will swing directly to Gaston Hall. But here’s the existential crisis Georgetown students live for: Are we hosting Tom Holland the actor, or Spider-Man the superhero? Nobody knows what’s real anymore, but definitely Instagram it and add it to your LinkedIn “Experiences” section.

SPECIAL BONUS PANEL: “Spider-Man vs. Spider-Man: A Democratic Debate” Tom Holland vs. Andrew Garfield vs. Tobey Maguire will engage in this kind of forced political discourse Georgetown

students excel at: arguing passionately about frivolous things while ignoring actual issues. Expect campus-wide

canvassing, student government-style ballot initiatives, and at least twelve op-eds in The Hoya.

3. The Ghost of Adam Smith

Fresh from his eternal slumber in the Canongate Kirkyard, the father of modern economics will grace Georgetown with his presence to deliver what every Econ major has been waiting for: “The Invisible Hand and Me: A Market Guide.” Smith will demonstrate the principles of supply and demand using the Georgetown housing lottery, where 3,000 students compete for 100 worthwhile rooms, proving that scarcity economics hasn’t changed since 1776. He’ll explain how his “division of labor” theory applies to group projects: one person does all the work while three others specialize in “coordination” and “moral support." The Q&A session promises to be legendary. Expect questions like: “Professor Smith, how do we reconcile your invisible hand with ESG investing?” and “But what would you say about crypto?”Smith’s response: “I literally died before steam engines were widely adopted.” Other anticipated questions include the micro student asking, “If utility maximization is rational, why did I just spend $8 on Call Your Mother?” and the macro enthusiast wondering, “Can you explain quantitative easing using 18th-century grain markets?”

Bonus workshop: “How to Name-Drop Market Efficiency in Any Context”--guaranteed to make you insufferable at parties and “irresistible” to Goldman Sachs.

2. Bob Duncan from Bob’s Bugs Be Gone

Evil sinister creatures have declared war on campus tranquility, not by political adversaries (that’s next semester’s IR seminar). You readers know them all too well. From the staple D.C. rat, to the pesky roach, to the nefarious invasive spotted lanternflies, the question then becomes, who is saving us from this pest explosion? How can the Hoya survive? We have no core requirement for pest control! Direct from the Colorado mountains comes Bob Duncan, exterminator extraordinaire. With “Determinate to Exterminate: The Art of Pest Identification as a Path Towards Extermination,” Mr. Duncan will deliver a transformative lecture on engaging and confronting unwanted creatures. This isn’t just about bug spray, it’s about confrontation, something Georgetown students avoid like the plague. Through dealing with that mosquito, you too will build the courage to tell that roommate to wash the dishes! The real pest problem? Students who start every sentence with “Well to play devil’s advocate...” Bob’s got solutions for that too...

1. Brad Bao and Toby Sun: The Creators of Lime Scooters

Freakishly green, electrically charged with metallic rods, a true monster haunts the hilltop. What will their creators say about such a horror! Electronic scooters, these neon green specimens, are the real Georgetown epidemic and lingering threat. The “masterminds” behind Georgetown’s most controversial transportation innovation will face both tough questions about their creation, as well as remarkable praise from admirers. Students would finally get to ask the hard questions that keep them awake at night: “Why do they all die at exactly 7 p.m.?”, “Who decided that 4mph was an appropriate maximum speed?”, “Is this just an elaborate art installation about the futility of modern convenience?” and“Why are they weapons of mass destruction?” The lecture, “Creations of Transportation,” will address the complex logistics of how to scatter 200 scooters randomly across campus every morning and ensure none of them are ever where

you need them to be.

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Isabella Pamias is a junior in the College of Arts and Sciences majoring in Government with a minor in Philosophy. Her Mario Kart main: Dry Bowser!