Homo Chattiusgptius

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Hey Mates! Welcome to “Creature Watch,” your favorite show about nature’s most peculiar creations. Here in the Joseph Mark Lauinger Memorial Library, we’ve caught sight of an elusive creature in its natural habitat. Say hello to the Homo chattiusgptius! A wild specimen indeed. The creature may physically resemble the average Homo sapiens, but don’t be fooled, what you’re seeing is actually the next step in human evolution, one in which humans and ChatGPT have become one. Upon closer inspection, both its physical and mental differences from humans will become apparent. To begin with the mental differences: any task requires the Homo chattiusgptius to consult “chat.” “Chat” can best be described as a permanent, parasitic extension of ChatGPT that has taken over as the Homo chattiusgptius’s decision-making center. Make small talk, ask “chat.” Homework, ask “chat.” Relationship advice, ask “chat.” Choose what to wear, ask “chat.” How to put on their shoes? Ask “chat.” It is hard to imagine how Homo sapiens could have ever survived without this development. Let's look at one specimen in the wild.

Here in the cool (yet somehow also humid), secluded depth of Lau, we see the creature hunched over in a small chair, emitting quiet beeping sounds. We are about to get a glimpse into what it does best! The Homo chattiusgptius uses a cord connecting itself, and by extension “chat” to a laptop. Watch as text magically appears on the screen. Ah! What a fascinating sight. In recent times,  the Homo chattiusgptius population has experienced a dramatic increase, and shows no sign of stopping. A creature that was once only spotted during midterm season, they now run rampant all of the year!

After months of observation, we’ve gathered enough data to report back on some of this creature's most peculiar habits. This specimen before us, ladies and gentlemen, exhibits the typical characteristics of their kind: a cord-like tail it uses to connect to electronic devices and beady eyes strained from staring into screens. Interestingly, however, the creature has not evolved enough to achieve ChatGPT pro.

Watch to see how this creature responds to a threat. Boom! A Canvas notification altering the creature that it has to “Write a discussion post about your favorite part of class.” The creature tenses up in fear but then prepares for its counterattack. Observe as the Homo chattiusgptius  engages in an activity we’ve dubbed “prompting.” Let’s take a closer look at this fascinating behavior in action:

“Write a discussion post talking about my favorite part of class,” the specimen tells “chat.”. What an inquiry, viewers! The discussion post materializes rapidly. Wait! What is this? The words suddenly come to a halt, the creature’s free prompts have expired. Ah! The creature lets out a screech! What will the wild Homo chattiusgptius do? Can it survive on its own?

The Homo chattiusgptius is running around like a chicken without a head, having been severed from its master. Poor Homo chattiusgptius, it has entered a state of crisis! The creature taps the screen in a frantic attempt to revive its master before the 11:59 p.m. deadline. With the free ‘prompts’ exhausted, it waves its hands and wails in desperation for “chat” to answer. The clock reads 10:37 pm, and the creature is in palpable despair. A gripping moment for us all! Will the Homo chattiusgptius be able to survive?

Wait, what is this? A second Homo chattiusgptius nears. Did it sense the despair of its peers? Is this some remnant of  the empathy of its Homo sapiens ancestors? In a selfless act of kindness, the second Homo chattiusgptius has “prompted” out the questions of our original specimen, what a charitable moment!

The Homo chatiusgptius lives to see another day. But they are not in the clear for long, for lurking behind the corner is their natural predator, the “Professor”. This cunning predator hunts for vague yet verbose writing, pounces at the sight of  excessive em dashes, searches for references to nonexistent articles, and attacks at the sight of sloppy copy paste. Crikey! What strategy will this predator employ? The deadliest weapon: the surprise attack of the horrible in-class essay!

Will Homo chattiusgptius overtake the common Homo sapiens? Will natural selection elevate it to the pinnacle of dominance? Will it ever evolve to achieve ChatGPT Pro? Stay tuned on the next episode of Creature Watch!

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Isabella Pamias is a junior in the College majoring in Government and minoring in Philosophy. Her underrated ice cream recommendation: cornbread ice cream!