Anyone who pays attention to Georgetown-related news has heard about the recent string of violent eggings. During the past September and October, multiple people have been hit by projectile eggs from an unknown source. Due to the fact that this is a satire article and not real news, I did the bare minimum for research and do not know the names of the victims, but I did make up the following which sounds like something akin to real reporting, so please enjoy. And if you know the perpetrator of these heinous acts, please have a shred of decency and turn them in so that we as a society are able to punish them in what we deem as the appropriate manner (public dismemberment).
In order to learn more, I reached out to GUPD to see how they were handling the situation and spoke with hard-boiled detective Elliot Stabler. “When we first heard about the egging, we scrambled to poach the culprit. It hasn’t been over-easy, and, sad to say, we still haven’t cracked the case. On the sunny side, no one was severely injured.” When asked why it seemed like he was taking this as a joke, Stabler merely replied, “You mean a yolk?”, at which point I decided to end the interview before he was able to use up all of the egg-related puns I was hoping to include in this article.
In the wake of these attacks, several outspoken students have made their voices heard on how the University should respond. College junior Jenny Surname had the following to say: “It’s an atrocity that Georgetown hasn’t done anything yet to stop something like this from happening again. It’s clear what needs to be done to prevent anyone else from ever getting hurt: we need to ban eggs.”
Senior Jimmy Lastname disagrees: “I, too, see the horror that these eggings have brought upon us, but the answer isn’t taking away eggs—it’s more eggs! If everyone were armed with a carton, no one would throw any in the first place. It’s just that simple.”
While some students have voiced support for either Surname or Lastname, many have taken a more moderate approach. “I don’t think we should suddenly just get rid of everyone’s eggs,” said an unnamed sophomore because I couldn’t think of any more names. “We just need more restrictions on who has access to them. Background checks should be required by Safeway and Trader Joes before you’re able to purchase anything.” Other approaches have also been offered as to how to help combat the problem: “We should limit the number of eggs a single person can purchase. Who needs more than a dozen? Also, certain eggs should be banned. No one would ever reasonably need an ostrich egg, and having one around is just waiting for an accident to happen.”
Despite the majority supporting a seemingly rational response, a small cabal of students have done quite the opposite, as should be expected. They believe that the eggings were staged. In order to get all sides of the story (because I’m such a great journalist), I set up an interview with one of these idiots. Here’s what he had to say about the recent attacks: “The eggings were orchestrated by the university in an attempt to gain support for their new plan to ban eggs from the dining hall. They paid someone to throw eggs at students and then coaxed big media (The Hoya) to frame it like a random attack. It’s the same as when they ‘accidentally’ infected students with salmonella. It’s all a part of their agenda to replace all dining hall eggs with powdered eggs, which are substantially cheaper.” Although I would never doubt that Georgetown would put profits above the well-being of students, I’m pretty sure that this person was missing a few screws, mostly because his wall was covered in what seemed like a serial killer’s collage. That being said, John DeGoya has moved a large portion of the endowment into dehydrated food stocks, so make of that what you will.
All in all, we’ve learned almost nothing from this except that the issue of eggs is extremely complicated for
many people. But not for me, because I think eggs are nasty and I don’t eat them anyway.
Illustration by Sabrina Shaffer
Foran is the Sass Editor and a Senior in the College studying Philosophy, Math, and Psychology. He knows that the only good use for eggs is making french toast.