Pictured: Inconspicuous Georgetown Student.

The following is a public service announcement brought to you by the Georgetown University Coalition Against Intercollegiate Relationships (GUCATCR). GUCATCR’s mission is to end the trend of Georgetown students fostering relationships with students from other schools in the area. We hope to raise the “seventy percent of Hoyas marrying other Hoyas” to a perfect one hundred, thus securing a large future population of legacy students and more parent donors.

In today’s society, traditional dating is declining more rapidly than ever. The line between platonic and romantic is blurred to the point of barely distinguishable, with new categories popping up such as friends with benefits, open relationships, demonic beings trying to consume your soul through sexual dreams. Depictions in media express that “having fun” with no real meaning can make you feel better in the short run, but in this ever-changing world, it is important for us to remember the true meaning of relationships: Georgetown making money.

At the forefront of the demise of traditional relationships is the increased use of dating and hookup apps. Now, instead of asking for someone’s number in a physical space or eventually turning a platonic friend into a romantic partner, people are able to find someone with the swipe of a finger. This simplicity not only makes the new generation lazy and apathetic, but it also removes the importance and rarity of romance. These apps rapidly deteriorate the fabric of our nation, as well as the Georgetown community, in many ways.

While communicating online, people are much more confident. Because of this, they are more likely to put themselves out there and say something regretful. While communicating with students from other universities, Georgetown students need not worry about running into those with whom they match in person, removing any possible verbal filter. Georgetown students may then say things that they hope will never reach the light of day, but are sure to resurface right when they least expect it. Next thing you know, the porn star you had an affair with in 2006 goes public even though your lawyer was supposed to be paying her off.

With students from other universities, Georgetown students are also prone to match and text with people without any actual intention of physically meeting or dating them. This leads to more regretful statements. One student, who wishes to remain anonymous, would like to share their story. This student had extensive conversations with a certain student from American University. One day, the student from AU happened to be coming to Georgetown and notified their supposed future spouse. The Georgetown student, fearing for their life at the possibility of seeing this person, had to disguise themselves in order to stay hidden while walking about campus (pictured (1)). This shady behavior will spiral if they continue to use apps in this manner. Another (former) Georgetown student, who would also like to remain anonymous, failed all their classes, dropped out, and now makes a living doing data input for Tinder. They hope that by sharing their story, they can act as a warning for other students to not follow in their footsteps.

In addition, with students from other universities, there is no telling who they could actually be. With students from Georgetown, you can ask about their classes and campus life to make sure they are truly a student. Unknowledgeable about other universities in the area, for all you know, that person you matched with could be a murderer, or even worse, ugly. If you try to meet up with people from other schools, your life is at stake. According to a recent study, over thirty percent of people on dating apps who don’t go to Georgetown are psychopaths.(2) Are you willing to risk your life for someone who would have to use an Uber every time you wanted to see each other?

On behalf of GUCATCR, I sincerely hope you take these warnings to heart and be sure to set your Tinder/Bumble/Grindr/Farmers Only radius to one mile this cuffing season. Your future, as well as that of the university and society as a whole, could depend on it.

Foran is an Economics and Math Freshman.

1: From https://fineartamerica.com/featured/unabomber-ted-kaczynski-police-sketch-2-tony-rubino.html?product=poster

2: Study I made up