Spoilers ahead!!
Everyone (and, if they’re cool, their mom too) is talking about Saltburn; no one, however, is talking about the other recent release chock-full of sexual tension: Wonka. Starring Timothée Chalamet in all his “Lil Timmy Tim” former theater kid glory, the film chronicles the early years of Wonka’s life as he ascends from an impoverished but hopeful young entrepreneur to an acclaimed chocolatier. Yet, if we learned anything from Call Me By Your Name, we can’t expect to put Chalamet around anything sweet without it becoming….well, sexual. Despite its PG rating, Wonka is no exception.
In the opening scenes, Willy arrives eagerly in Europe after spending seven years at sea, acquiring fantastical ingredients for his chocolates and some rather interesting skills. The audience slowly becomes aware of Wonka’s idiosyncrasies through his budding friendship with Noodle, an orphan who, like Willy, is trapped under the tyrannical rule of launderer Mrs. Scrubbit. After realizing too late the insidiousness of Scrubbit’s schemes, Wonka vows to help Noodle escape, but, until then, he at least invites her to escape into his fantasy world of chocolate.
Image Credit: People Magazine
“How do you like it?” Wonka inquires, his eyes bulging and his head tilted at a disconcerting angle. “Black? White? Nutty? Absolutely insane?” Not only do Wonka’s words seem to carry a provocativeness unfit for chocolate, but so does his fervor. Wonka’s chocolate, perhaps, is a gateway to another, more stimulating world. After all, chocolate is one of the most acclaimed aphrodisiacs, partly due to the mood-boosting chemicals it contains but also, according to WebMD, because of the “sensual pleasure of how it melts in your mouth.” With that in mind, the only thing proving to be “absolutely insane” is thinking that a movie all about chocolate–and starring Timothée Chalamet–isn’t going to be at least the tiniest bit slutty.
Speaking of slutty stunts, we couldn’t help but share an awkward glance in the theater as Wonka invites his young companion to break into the zoo and milk a giraffe with him. As he squeezes the giraffe’s teats with startling confidence and an ever-present smirk on his face, Wonka makes it no secret he’s done this before. But, one must wonder: Where…and how…did he learn? Milking a giraffe, it seems, is a subtle art. Giraffes’ udders, unlike those of cows, dogs, or goats, are understated and tucked between the legs, making the act quite intimate. While apparently necessary for his chocolates’ unmatched taste, quality, and theatrics, Willy acquiring the milk requires not only violating the law but also the poor giraffe.
After replenishing his questionable supplies and scheming on how to evade both Scrubbit and the corrupt police force, Wonka euphorically begins to sell his chocolate on the streets while belting “You’ve Never Had Chocolate Like This.” As your average joes begin consuming Wonka chocolates, the effects are rather startling. Whereas Colonel Sanders’s fried chicken is finger-licking good, Wonka chocolate proves milkshake-shaking good, as women on the train, upon tasting the delicacy, begin provocatively shimmying their chests at the camera. Still singing about his exceptional chocolates, but now in a barbershop, Wonka runs his hands down the chest of one of the clients. Wonka skips right to second base sans consent or warning, although maybe his chocolate replaces first base and allows for an expedited process. Nonetheless, Wonka demonstrates that the sensual chocolate-eating experience excites not only the mouth but the entire body.
Image Credit: Disney Studios
The chocolate doesn’t just make the common folk go wild–the all-powerful chocolatiers also go crazy, but with jealousy, rather than delight–and their envy of Wonka fuels their corrupt chocolate mafia. The bourgeois cronies collude to monopolize the chocolate industry and are hellbent on sabotaging Wonka’s budding business. Donning flamboyant costumes adorned with feathers (Rio Carnival style), these three men dance for the police chief, bribing them with their bodies and–perhaps more importantly–copious supplies of chocolate. Tauntingly, they sing “Have you got the hots for chocs?” I mean, who doesn’t? It’s hard to blame the chief as he succumbs to temptation and agrees to help the chocolatiers exterminate both Wonka and his business.
The inspiring yet surprisingly sensual story draws to an end as Wonka escapes the chocolatiers’ murderous plot, saves Noodle and company from Mrs. Scrubbit’s debt-induced chokehold, and demolishes the chocolate mafia. Wonka, as he promised, frees Noodle, giving her the happy ending she deserves. The happy endings don’t end there, though. Wonka goes on to establish his dynasty, permitting each and every customer to experience the orgasmic pleasure of Wonka chocolate.
Beatrice Seabrook is a freshman in the College. The best childhood show is The Amazing World of Gumball, and she stands by that.
Grace Guernsey is a freshman in the SFS studying Culture & Politics. Fun fact: There’s no hallway she won’t cartwheel down.