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What NOT To Wear This Halloween

It’s the most wonderful time of the year… Halloween is upon us. You must ask yourself the question that I’ve been asking myself since November 1, 2022: What will your costume be? And if you’re a college student celebrating Halloweekend, there’s more pressure than ever before. Which costumes will look best on Instagram? Which costume is better to wear on Friday vs. Saturday? Does your butt look better as a sexy cat or a sexy bunny? Decisions are hard. As a spooky season expert, I’d love to warn you of some potential pitfalls. Do not dress up as the following:


Mojo Dojo Casa House Ken: Did you relate a little too well with ‘Patriarchy Ken’? Or maybe you’re looking for an extra scary costume this year? The patriarchy sure is frightening, but consider not associating yourself with a symbol of misogyny. (Note: If you’re a girly with a sense of irony, it’s okay, I think you’re funny.)


“The Bomb,” Oppenheimer (2023): I know you’re a wittle baby war cwiminal in the SFS. I know Florence Pugh lit up the Oppenheimer premiere in her fiery bomb-inspired dress. But if you love explosives so much, I’m sure you can think of a slightly less insensitive costume to prove your masculinity love for WWII.


“X”: Are there really still Elon Musk stans in 2023? Nobody likes you.


Zombified Jack the Bulldog: Oh, you think you’re soooo funny. A tragedy struck, campus is in mourning, and you want to profit from it? Don’t you dare disrespect my little Jackie Jack like that. Also, donning a bulldog costume lands you dangerously close to furry territory. You were warned.



Crouton: If you are going for that furry vibe, this is an even worse choice. I could say something about how disabilities are not a joke, which is true… But the real reason to avoid this three-legged unofficial canine mascot is that there is nothing, nothing, you can do to approach the god-tier status of Crouton. Crouton is the bright light that gives me hope during the darkest of midterms, my purpose for continuing on. You think you can imitate this divine force? Preposterous. You are like Icarus flying towards the sun. Your pride is your folly. No human can be as great as Crouton.


“I’m Dressed as Myself”: Get your act together! I don’t care if you have midterms, I don’t care if you have a busy hillternship. Halloween should take precedence! The same musty clothes you’ve worn to class for three days in a row do not count as a costume. Do better.


Sexy Priest or Nun: If a Jesuit sees you, he may succumb to a heart attack. If you’re not careful, you’ll be watching a new grave being dug in the cemetery next to your dorm.


Couples T-Shirts: We all know a couple that’s been together for an eternity and seems so hecking happy together even though at least one of the pair is insufferable to everyone else. I know you’re thinking of them. But the worst offense is when they show up to a party in matching t-shirts with some gaggable slogan like, “I like her pumpkins. I like his broomstick.” I don’t want to know how much you love each other, or how much you enjoy your… intimate relationship. If you wear something like this for Halloween, I’ll make my own custom t-shirt for your divorce party.


Bridgerton: A little too much ankle showing… The historically inaccurate corset that pushes up your assets more than that $80 Victoria’s Secret purchase… This costume may be inadvisable. Do you really want to publicly announce that you’re a repressed product of catholic school and also probably an anglophile?



Frat Boy: Halloweekend is the one time of year I don’t have to gaze at a sea of frat outfits at a party. At every other party, the bros show up in whatever stained sweats they want while I freeze my gluteus maximus off conforming to arguably misogynistic fashion expectations. Just this one time, I demand that these frat guys wear something interesting—perhaps even… sexy, daring, provocative? Even if you’re not typically a frat bro and want to try on the persona for your costume, do it some other time or risk ruining my Halloween.


So, what should you wear? Well, that’s outside of the scope of this article. But really, who cares what a random INDY writer tells you about Halloween? Go ahead and wear one of the aforementioned costumes, and I’ll pretend like I’m not judging you. Just don’t put yourself in a feathered headdress or something.

 

Grace Stephenson is a Sophomore in the College studying linguistics with a minor in biology.

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