Chances are, your Valentine’s Day was a bust. And not in a good way. Either you were stuck alone on this special day or you endangered the lives of others, neither of which is a good option. But you needn’t fear, for I will get you through these harrowing times with my amazing dating advice. Our goal here is essentially to give you some ways to still have a love life without killing your grandma. Yes, much like that one Axe commercial about the future of dating in a pandemic, we will cover the many possible ways that you can still meet up with local singles in your area, but, unlike this commercial, instead of trying to sell you on a deodorant brand whose smell conjures up memories of the middle school locker room, I am writing this purely out of compassion for you all. If anything, you should just stop reading here and contact me personally if you want a great date. I’m sure I’ll be able to hook you up with someone. And, if instead of a great date you want a mediocre and extremely awkward encounter, I can just set you up with myself. Anyway, here’s how you can keep yourself safe in your future romantic endeavors.
Zoom Date: Who says that a date has to be in person? Genetics, for one. If you aren’t mashing your sweaty bodies together in an attempt to bring smaller copies of yourself into the world, then what really is the point of a date? Communication? Human interest? Love? Gross. Plus, you don’t really know a person until you meet them in person, or, as the kids say, irl. For all you know, that cutie on your screen is just a deep fake being used by a middle-aged Slovakian man with a greasy mustache. (Or, if your match seems to be a middle-aged Slovakian man with a greasy mustache, they may really be some random college student who is looking for a casual relationship. When will the lies stop?) Now that I’ve successfully dissuaded you from trying to meet your partner on Zoom like they’re your Economics TA and you still can’t figure out which producer has the comparative advantage, let’s move on to some better options…
Hot Tub: According to the thirty seconds worth of research I completed prior to writing this article, three minutes at 160 degrees Fahrenheit (or 75 degrees Celsius for all my Canadian readers) is enough to kill the virus. I know very little about temperature, so as far as I know, hot tubs are possibly the safest places during this pandemic. I also know very little about romance, but my great deductive skills tell me that a hot tub is an extremely romantic location. And by my great deductive skills, I mean the fact that the hot tub was one of the few furniture items in The Sims 3 on which you could complete the “WooHoo” action, and the fact that two dudes chilling in a hot tub needing five feet of space to disperse any sexual intimacy must imply that the tub itself is a den of primal instinct.
Dinosaur-Grabber Picnic: Pack up a basket with all your favorite foods, a red-checkered blanket, and two dino grabbers. Dino grabbers, or, formally, “Dino-On-A-Stick,” are childrens toys consisting of a long plastic column with a dinosaur head on one end and a handle on the other. Merely squeeze the handle and the dinosaur closes his mouth—truly a feat of engineering. In addition to being hella fun to play with, dino grabbers can be used to grab food from a common center without getting within six feet of the other person. It’s just like sharing a meal together, just you, your date, and two plastic dinosaur heads. (Note: While this will work for other types of grabbers, it is not recommended, as then you would miss out on how cool the dinosaur looks.)
Get Vaccinated: One of the best things you can do to get your romantic schedule back on track is to just follow the given guidelines and get yourself vaccinated when your time comes. Then, eventually, there will be enough people vaccinated that life can return to normal. And, if you don’t want to do it for yourself, do it for me. Because I’m not going to do it. I’m scared of needles.
Jackson Foran is a junior studying Philosophy, Math, and Psychology, and has been told by multiple people in the NHS that he’s a “public health nightmare.”