The Four Horsemen of the Father John Misty Concert

Modern poet, advocate for male vulnerability, and philanthropist Drake once said "we had the club going up on a Tuesday." The club: The Anthem. The Tuesday: September 20th. Going up: Father John Misty (FJM). We lay our scene at a beautiful venue nestled on a picturesque slice of the Potomac, flanked by authentic D.C. diamonds-in-the-rough such as “Shake Shack” and “InStyle Nail Bar.” Under the marquee and through the doors you may find such epicurean delicacies and precious libations as $9 popcorn and White Claw. But these are mere appetizers to the turducken of the main course that is the true appeal of The Anthem: the people.

Despite being ardent FJM admirers (Ariana: speaks of him as an old friend, Zoha: cried to Chateau Lobby #4 (in C For Two Virgins) one time), neither one of us could fathom the demographic breakdown of his fanbase. Alas, what we encountered upon entering the venue was shocking, jarring, and even a bit arousing.

The crowd was ridden with eclecticism. To our left, an absolute dime on a Tinder date with a short king who insisted on parkouring over the seats rather than just asking a few people to stand up. To our right, microbrewery enthusiasts on a night out. In front of us, a 6’7” Deloitte consultant with absolutely no spatial awareness. Yet, as we peered into the crowd (having to lean and duck to see past the consultant's body), a pattern emerged: The Four Horsemen of the Father John Misty Concert.


20-somethings who bought a pair of Doc Martens but never wore them because breaking them in was too hard

Photo Credits: Tina Solki

  • Junior at Georgetown and works for the Corp, her first job in the "service industry"

  • Really only there for Suki Waterhouse because “Good Looking” reminds her of her ex-bf in GUSIF

  • Heard Chateau Lobby #4 on TikTok twice

  • Says she has no idea what she’s doing after college but has a standing offer from her uncle at JP Morgan

  • Self-proclaimed "unapologetic Gemini"

  • Consequently, wants to fuck Father John




Gay millennial men in patterned button-down shirts

Photo Credits: Tina Solki

  • Wearing wire-frame glasses (no prescription)

  • Shirt patternis exclusively fruits or flowers

  • Has an Instagram account devoted to rating Vanilla Sweet Cream Cold Brews in the DMV area

  • Double majored in Foreign Policy and Theater at Northwestern, dream was to be on Buzzfeed, works in publishing

  • Calls his mom twice a day

  • Has religious trauma after attending a Catholic all-boys high-school

  • Also wants to fuck Father John (and wants to call him Father in bed)




NPR Listeners

Photo Credits: Tina Solki

  • Makes her own jewelry

  • Brings a reusable bag to the farmer's market

  • Wearing Chaco sandals to the concert

  • 27-year-old daughter (whose only personality trait is loving fall) put her on to FJM

  • Left her corporate job to become a stay at home mom and resents her entire family for it

  • Dabbling with the idea of starting her own female-run crystal co-op

  • Loyal to her husband of 34 years (who constructs artisanal tables as a profession) but on the low-low also wants to fuck Father John




Guys with Beards

Photo Credits: Tina Solki

  • Originally from Eastern Pennsylvania

  • Donated to Joe Biden’s campaign and has a chip on his shoulder because of it

  • Strictly refers to FJM as “Fatha Jawn”

  • Looks like Seth Rogen if Seth Rogen chopped lumber for his fireplace in the winter

  • Is wearing a red flannel and Carhartt pants, but in a practical way

  • Last time he cried was when he was babysitting his older sister’s toddler and they watched “Inside Out” and Bing Bong died

  • Also wants to fuck Father John but like, not really, no, he's really comfortable in his sexuality but like, you know, only hypothetically



Zany characters aside, when the house lights dimmed and the band (including no less than three saxophonists) struck up their tune, our fancies were tickled non-stop for the entire two and a half hour set. All in all, to quote the title of the 10th track off of Father John Misty's second studio album, "Holy Shit."


P.S. The views and opinions expressed in this article regarding GUSIF and/or The Corp are not those of the authors. Please let us in.



 

Zoha Khan is a freshman in the College studying Your Mom's Bedroom. Ariana Hameed is a freshman in the College studying Your Mom's Hallway Closet.