Image courtesy of MGM/Amazon Studios
If you’re reading the INDY, then you’ve definitely heard of (or already watched fifty times) the newest hit indie type film Saltburn. This oddly explicit thriller comedy features everything an indie film buff or chronically online teenager could ask for: hyper-focus close-up camera shots, dramatic colored lighting, attractive actors of both the tall babygirl and short sad artistic variety, scenes you would feel uncomfortable watching with your parents, unique camera angles, and some good old fashioned death.
If you are one of the rare percentage of our readers who hasn’t yet watched Saltburn either of your own accord or by force through your friends, let’s be real. What have you been doing with your life? Not to worry, we have compiled a list of helpful reviews to help convince you poor uneducated souls to finally get it over with so you can feel hip and with the times:
“It gave a much needed breath of fresh originality in a world of sequels. The rawness of the film helps to truly capture a Greek tragedy without modern society’s relentless attempts to make everything a euphemism.”
-Gay film buff
“It was pretty good… I guess? All I know is that there’s some nerd obsessed with some popular people… Didn’t really seem like my type of movie. Don’t get the hype.”
-“Accidentally” took melatonin gummies right when friends turned on movie
“He drank that?!?!?? From the drain?!?!?? I’m not even that weirded out about what he did compared to where he did it- do you know how many germs are in a bathtub drain?! You could not pay me money to put my mouth that close to a drain. You could pay me money to drink—”
-Supposed germaphobe
“Oh. My. God. The eyebrow piercing. And when they were all laying out in the sun– I just about died! I mean, it was… very… commentary? Yeah, commentary. Sorry, I’ll give a better review, just give me a minute– I’m rewatching the ‘vampire’ scene.”
-Watches movies “for the plot”
“This was such a raw and poignant commentary on how far people will go to achieve their desires. Some would question whether it is morally justifiable to betray and obscure your entire life and personality to achieve your goals- but I support Oliver. He was getting his money up, and what is more real than that. Also, I liked the bathtub scene. You know what they say, there’s just something in the water!”
-Enlightened white man from New York
“If he told me to behave, I would listen.”
-Elizabeth Grimm enthusiast
“I wish movies today had more substance. If I wanted to watch two hours of close ups of people whispering sensually to each other with weird sex scenes sprinkled throughout, I would watch Fifty Shades of Grey. There’s just no plot, so there’s no point in watching it.”
-Disgruntled boyfriend
“It was fucking weird bro… people only like it because of Jacob Elordi. But like, why didn’t he have a bigger role? There was a lot of Barry Keoghan, and I get he was the main character or whatever, but I wish we saw more of Jacob Elordi– wait, not like that! I didn’t mean it!”
- Totally not bi guy
“My friends told me there would be sex so I watched it. No tits, only some Irish dude dancing around with his dick out. All things considered, not a bad movie.”
-Your token supportive straight man friend
“I thought it was beautiful. I was high as shit and left the room for a while, but it was so good. Art. Only thing that would have made the experience better would have been some chicken tendies from Epi’s.”
-That one friend who may or not be growing shrooms in his dorm closet?
Sasha Jayne is a freshman in the College and is currently studying various languages towards an endpoint that has not yet been discovered. She is also one of the Reviews section editors.