G*d, I love February 15 when the chocolates are over 50% off and my Tinder match rate skyrockets, finally making me feel like I’m kinda cute or something. When I sit in the hottest date spot, Leo J. O'Donovan’s on the Waterfront, I hear the constant chatter of those who had success stories and those that fell asleep before the infamous “u up?” text. This day is honestly almost like Black Friday, but, like, it's on Saturday. In February. Considering the importance of this month, you could kinda make the connec— actually, never mind. Let’s not do that.
My Yerba Mate expires on February 14. It has a date, and I don’t—but, ha, jokes on it because I’ll be drinking it at 2:47am on February 13. I probably shouldn’t be so spiteful about this day— really, I promise I’m not—but I just wish my mom had a little more finesse regarding my procreation. I mean, it’s not hard to do the math, I’m a November baby. I am not too good at math, though... so I hope my intuition is wrong. G*d, I just really hope she wasn’t won over from some $2 chocolates and a tulip. I really hope he didn’t get two lips, for a damn tulip. I mean, if it was a rose, maybe it would be a different story. I might understand if that were the case. I guess Georgetown spends a million dollars on tulips every year, so maybe they aren’t so bad.
And I hate going to the parties. Not just because Georgetown parties suck, but because people are double caked up on a Saturday. But me? I’m double cupped up. I promise that it's not because I’m lonely. I just think it’s funny how I am the only one crying in the club rn. It’s roughly 4.5 people here and I’m the half. I’m on my third cup and I currently can’t tell the difference between “Mo Bamba” and “Mr. Brightside.” This is probably why I’m missing the “u up?” text, or, more reasonably, why I’m the one sending them. It’s literally 11:03. Yes you’re up, but just not up with me. :(
But listen... I know I can’t really be alone in this situation. I know you: you’re going through the same thing. You just don’t wanna admit it. But I can fix that, I can show you what to do in these lonely crises. I can fix You, Beck. This is a shout out to Penn Badgley from You, the best show on Netflix right now. Maybe I should be more like him to find love...
Okay, anyways, sorry, I zoned out. Regardless, here is what you should do on this companionless day: first, have a singles-only party. That will really show up your friends who are in relationships, especially when a whopping five people show up to this rager. What sucks, though, is that four of them will end up together and the last one left will say to you, “haha you’re like the brother I wish I had.” But don’t cry, yet. You can still always go to the movies alone, at least that way you don’t have to pay to split a popcorn and drink. I mean, you’ll still use the last of your $30, but at least it's going to your mental health, I guess. It’s all about the small victories. Another victory is that a certain website for lonely people has free premium for the whole day ;). Also, there are some companies there to support you... Chick-fil-A is no longer providing money to anti-LGBTQ politicians so you can pick up their 30 count nugget in the heart shape pan with no regrets.
Listen, I feel bad everyday, and Valentine’s ain’t no different. I always think my night is going to be like the cute scenes in Avatar, but sadly I am short and not blue. So my night generally ends on the aforementioned website. But that is okay now, see Valentine’s day separates the children from the adults. Then there’s me, with no date, just vibing.
Photo Credit: Emma Cooney