Recently, a new phenomenon has been sweeping the globe–or, should I say, non-globe. Flat Earth Theory has grown from a few idiots posting conspiracy videos online to thousands upon thousands of idiots posting conspiracy videos online.
In the past few months this radical “theory” has made a home here at GU. After recent approval by Georgetown’s Club Advisory Board, Flat Georgetown Society (FGS) has begun the process of new club development. According to FGS’ perspective mission statement, the organization’s goal is to “spread awareness of the truth about the world that we live on.” Other than the fact they ended that sentence with a preposition, FGS may actually have some intelligent thought behind it. Or not.
The acceptance of FGS into the new club development pro- cess has sparked outrage throughout the Georgetown community. Many students and faculty opposed this move, arguing that the creation of a “flat-earther organization” was delegitimizing the university. Others are wondering why money is going towards supporting student organizations such as this when there are so many better uses for funds (like another Jack the Bulldog statue). In the wake of this outcry, founder and president of FGS Jimmy GenericLastName released the following statement: “We understand your grievances, but we also understand that it is the university’s fault. Don’t blame us for Georgetown’s inability to allocate its funds efficiently. We’re not the ones who let your dorms get moldy, who let Leo’s workers be underpaid, who let tuition go through the roof. We’re just part of the system. Don’t hate the player, hate the game.”
In all this mess, I decided to do a little field research to see how the student population is feeling about this controversy, and about flat earth theory in general. “I just don’t get it,” sophomore Jenny A. said. “So what if that’s true? It doesn’t affect me and I really just don’t care.” I then stopped talking to Jenny about the exploitation of child workers in East Asia and asked her how she felt about FGS, to which she replied, “I believe in free speech, and they have a pretty important message. Now this is a controversy that actually matters.” Freshman Gretchen D. said the following about the controversy: “We broke up like three months ago. Stop trying to use your stupid articles as an excuse to talk to me.” Another student who wishes to remain anonymous had the following to say: “At first I thought it was really weird that Georgetown let such a stupid club exist, but then I remembered the Georgetown Anscombe Society,”
Throughout all this, administration has kept surprisingly quiet. I decided to see for myself why they were refusing to speak on these issues. When asking President DeGoiga/DeGioga/ DeGioigia/D-Goya about the matter, he refused to give a clear answer, only responding with his own questions like, “How did you get in my office?” and “Where are your clothes?” After this turned up nothing, I decided to speak with the leadership within FGS. Yet again, however, when questioning founder/president Jimmy, I was met with only more questions such as “How did you get in my bathroom?” and “Where are my clothes?” In the end, I guess I didn’t find out anything, except that it really is over between me and Gretchen.
But what I really learned today is that sometimes people will have different opinions than us, and that maybe we should accept this, as long as they aren’t hurting anyone or trying to marginalize others. Maybe listening to others will help us better understand where they’re coming from, and maybe working through our disagreements peacefully instead of attacking each other would help to make the world a better place. Or so I thought!
While writing this, I remembered something that I had seen in President DeGioiga’s office. At the time it seemed like nothing, but now I’ve finally connected the dots. On DeGioiga’s desk sat plans for the replacement of every stairway across campus with hundreds of escalators, from the steps up to Henle to the Regents stairs. These plans, however, had a large red “X” covering the entire page. And so I thought, why would DeGioiga want to trash this plan? Money. And the only way to get rid of the plans was to convince everyone that Georgetown didn’t need any escalators. And how do you do that? Convince everyone that Georgetown is flat, and what better way to do that than to convince them that the entire planet is flat. With the notion of “the Hilltop” out of the way, administration would be able to free up a good portion of their previously-allocated-to-infrastructure funds. And where are these funds going to go? You guessed it: tulips. It’s always tulips. This is the truth. Please listen. I’m begging you. Don’t buy into the lies they’re trying to feed you any more. Open your eyes, sheeple.