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Guy Fieri in Leo’s

“Tune in next week on Triple-D!”

This just in: famed Food Network star Guy Fieri visited O’Donovan’s by the Waterfront for a section in his “Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives.” Fieri’s trip across the country could simply be called a “response to popular demand,” according to a quote from Fieri’s exclusive interview denied to every publication but The Independent. He continued: “It’s really what the people want. I’ve heard mad crazy things about famous shrimp and authentic Vietnamese pho. Let’s check it out.”

Fieri first insisted on ditching his cherry red convertible to instead walk from North Campus’s Darnall Hall, in order to undergo the full student experience. Upon reaching the bottom of the hill, Fieri ran out of breath and collapsed from all the aerobic exercise. Luckily, a kind SafeRides driver wheeled him the rest of the way to O’Donovan’s. Fieri still kept his stellar attitude: “Hey, whatever it takes to get there.”

Once inside the building, Fieri first visited Five Spice.There was a slight delay as Fieri waited in line. While in line, Fieri remarked on what he’d heard about the pho. “Review after review, I hear: this is the most authentic, fresh and never frozen, Asian food east of the Mississippi. Kids have reported cancelling their study abroad trips in Asia after tasting the quality sesame chicken here.” An hour later, Fieri was welcomed with a lukewarm bowl of “pho”: soggy, yellow-ish noodles with a small piece of tofu in the corner. He even paid for the leaf of cilantro! $2 extra! Quite a deal. And yes, Fieri savored every bite. Chasing around the noodles with his chopsticks, Fieri only found success by scooping the noodles with his fingers, claiming, “it’s finger-licking good!” When asked to describe the meal, he had to take a moment to think, finish the single tofu, and breathe in the sweet, sweet scent of the cilantro leaf. “It changes you, man. Have you tried this? It’s so filling, I can barely finish the garnish. The flavors!! So spicy, wow. I’ve never experienced anything like it.”

It was time for Sazón. Sazón, loosely translated from Spanish as “Seafood Sickness,” is most widely acclaimed for the fresh, lake to table seafood, according to Fieri’s research: “They catch the salmon in the Potomac every morning. And the shrimp is grown in little incubation tanks in the back.” He was right. Behind the industrial-sized freezer, containing all the food in big plastic bags, was a little tank. Fieri snuck behind to admire the fish. In the fish tank, Fieri also noticed a goldfish and hermit crab for the workers to watch during the prime lunch times. Fieri supported the operation, and even considered a similar business model for his own restaurants, asking, “Who’s your goldfish guy? This is brilliant: it can be boring being on the job.” Fieri continued munching on his shrimp and rice grain. He ran out of money to pay for the $15 guac on the side. Fieri’s response to the feast? Again, astonished. His hair became more sea-bleached blonde as he ate the seafood. “Wow, now this is the stuff. I eat this, and I just think: what lucky kids here. Did you say $72,000/year? Well, this shrimp is where it’s going. It’s like eating gold!”

Fieri took a brief pause to “excuse himself” with the help of medical attention. His last stop was the bottom floor where a kind man accepted his card but reminded him they were only serving cereal at the hour. Fieri confessed: “YOU ARE THE MAN! Everyone thinks I like classic Italian meatballs, char-grilled steak, and pull-apart briskets that melt in your mouth, but you’re right! It’s 1:30pm, and I want cereal. Thank you, thank you.” Unfortunately, Fieri also noted that he was lactose intolerant. The soy milk was all gone :-(, but hey, there was at least some regular milk. Oh shoot, that was gone too. Being the chef he is, Fieri poured lemon-infused water into his bowl of slightly stale Cheerios. “Now this is what I came here for. The flavors—you can’t get this anywhere else. I think I’m speechless.”

At that moment, a small family of mice jumped from the tub of butter and ran to Fieri. The three mice crawled up his leg, around his tummy, and nestled themselves into his spiked hair. One settled beneath his sunglasses, in order to not damage his eyes as he looked outside at the bright Potomac. “What a smart mouse!” Fieri exclaimed. Fieri then pulled out his mini utensils and Tabasco sauce from his capri pants pockets, and started feeding the family. The employees, camera crew, and nearby students clapped for Fieri and his model of Jesuit values.

PC: Eliza Lafferty

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