How to Declare Your Major
Declaring your major is a good idea.
Declaring a major can be a very anxiety-fraught process for students, and it’s no surprise why: there are a lot of forms involved, so papercuts are a serious, ever-present threat. And that’s only the beginning of your problems! Pens! Pens are terrifying too! So you can understand why a guide such as this is indispensable.
Here are some things to keep in mind when declaring your major:
-If you’re considering a pre-law program, you must sign a waiver clarifying that you understand that judges are not wizards even though they wear robes.
-Classics majors can also be referred to as ‘Golden Oldies’ majors.
-Classics majors ought to interject the catchphrase “Classic!” into conversation as often as possible, pairing it with finger-guns.
-If you are a Regional and Comparative Studies major concentrating on the Americas, the phrase “West Coast Best Coast” is not a sufficient major application essay.
-If you are double majoring in Biology and Computer Science, you must provide documentation attesting that you are not trying to become a Cyborg.
-If you want courses taken abroad to count towards your major, you must create a unique secret handshake with that country’s head of state.
-If you are weighing the financial costs of going to graduate school, consider walking full-speed into a wall every time you check your bank account in order to acclimate yourself to the burden.
-Management, Leadership and Innovation majors in the MSB should remember that their major application essays must be written entirely with buzzwords.
-Math majors are required to participate in a photo-shoot with a large equation-filled blackboard.
-If your concentration is Science, Technology and Security, your application essay should address the threat of dropping your phone on your face while lying in bed.
-All Anthropology majors must take three classes in Archeology, as that’s what most people will assume their major means.
-Justice and Peace Studies majors must choose either Justice or Peace, as the two are incompatible in this world.
-Philosophy majors must be able to cast at least two types of spells in order to declare their major.
-If deciding on a major is causing you stress, try submitting a work order to Facilities with the subject line: “Just Need Someone To Talk To.”
-If you see a disheveled Alchemy major ascending a tower while lugging brass instruments and muttering about animating corpses with the spark of life, please inform University security.
Once you’re ready, here are some ways that you can declare your major:
-Talk to your Dean.
-Yank open your dorm room window and shout your major declaration into the passing breeze. “GLOBAL BUSINESS,” you shout.
-If you can walk barefoot over a bed of hot embers for longer than V.P. of Student Affairs Todd Olson, you may declare your major.
-Solve the Great Riddle of Red Square in less than a fortnight to declare your major.
-Declaring your major is a good idea.
-Your major is Rune Studies and it has already been declared for you.
-Approach the bronze likeness of Bishop John Carroll on a crisp, clear night when the sign of Sagittarius is in the sky and await your instructions.
-Use the ‘up’ arrow on the character creation screen to scroll through the different major options. Press ‘start’ when done.
-Draw a Punnett square of your parents’ majors. Remember: the dominant phenotypes are the sciences and the arts, while the social sciences are recessive.
-Your major declaration requires a 2/3-majority approval vote by your freshman floor.
-Carve your Major Declaration into the Major Tree. If you want to add a second major, you must plant a Major Tree sapling.
-Talk to your Dean. Get to know him. Learn interesting things about him that you can bring up in conversation later. Assume his identity. Shed your old life: you’re free now, friend.