Gates of Heaven.

Name: Hoya Snaxa

Location: South-West Quad

Type: Asian-Italian-American Fusion

Rating: ★★★★★

A fortnight ago, this Indy cuisine correspondent happened across a veritable hidden gem of a culinary establishment right here on Georgetown’s campus. Nestled in the breezeway underneath Kennedy Hall, this cozy bistro is a popular evening haunt for patrons looking to purchase enough family-sized bags of tortilla chips to use them as throw pillows. The restaurant is also one of the more upscale in the area, frequented by the very same rodents that call the nearby chic Washington Harbour shopping complex home.

This restaurant boasts affordable prices along with favorable hours of operation, though the waitstaff can be a tad unhurried and the seating cramped. Indeed, I ended up having to seat myself upon my first visit, unable as I was to locate the maître d’. Perching myself atop two cases of Monster Energy drinks, I awaited my server, who, when he eventually did arrive, was admittedly less than courteous.

The ambiance of this place is one of homespun warmth and scintillating creativity, that special kind of magic that only undergraduates can generate. I overheard not one, not two, but five wildly differing recipes for hangover cures composed only of items found on hand.

The eatery’s shelves and floors are adorned with thought-provoking conceptual art as well. This dramatically enhances the experience. What untold secrets do these innumerable vacant cardboard casings hold? What greater significance could these long-abandoned empty plastic bottles have? This correspondent must concede that some art is simply inscrutable.

After determining that the wait for proper seating at such a place was too much of a hassle, I took the raw materials purchased therein back to an expert chef in my room, who ends up preparing most of my meals these days anyway.

The meal opened with a 2016 lemon-flavored Dasani water, served at room temperature. My requests for alternate beverage selections had been rebuffed, as were my demands for the finest glass decanter they had on hand. Taste-wise, the water is a triumph, a symphony of flavor.

For an entrée, I opted for a shrimp-based soup, produced and distributed by a multinational chain under the ever-optimistic moniker “Fun & Yum,” and bereft of shellfish of the tangible sort. This dish is prepared by emptying a packet of brick-colored dust onto noodles, adding boiling water to a plastic bowl, and waiting three minutes. This dish is not prepared by placing your bowl, aluminum wrapping and all, into the microwave for three minutes--as such a practice would surely prompt blue arcs of electricity to pop across the aluminum cover partway through minute one, thus setting the whole bowl ablaze and illuminating your microwave like a jack-o’-lantern.

When dessert rolled around, a decadent, towering pile of Pop Tarts, stacked two Pop Tarts high, awaited me. This was supplemented with piquant Cool Ranch Dorito Crisps, a popular snack the color and shape of a yield sign. Together, these dueling flavors offered surreal, immense, unique, epicurean satisfaction to my palate.

Overall, Hoya Snaxa offers gourmet, 5-star courses with myriad culinary selections. It is this Indy cuisine correspondent’s opinion that such a fine institution can only be characterized as divine.

PC: Ben Barrett