No Toilet Paper Jokes: A Guide on Stuff to Do During Quarantine
Wondering what you should be doing with all your time? Well, as Harvey Danger said, “If you’re bored, then you’re boring.” And considering you have nothing better to do with your time than read some subpar satire article in a tertiary campus publication by some insignificant undergrad, I’d bet that you’re boring. If you really are that unimaginative of a person that you can’t figure out what to do with the feeble moments you have left on this planet, I’ve prepared a few suggestions. And don’t worry, I promised myself I wouldn’t make any jokes about toilet paper. Read a book. If you’re looking for something light, I’d recommend Yertle the Turtle by Dr. Seuss, a harrowing tale of adventure, mystery, and romance. This genre-defying epic is a tour de force. Although some critics argue that it is merely derivative of Marx, others have called it “a generation-defining work.” If you’re looking for something more substantial, check out the spicy Reader X Guy Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives NSFW 700k+ word fanfic “All Roads Lead to Flavortown,” written by yours truly. Watch a television show. With all this extra time alone, why not catch up on your favorite series? Or, if you’re like the vast majority of college students, just rewatch “The Office” for the eleventh time. If you’re looking for something new, society has churned out more streamable content in the past few years than anyone could ever possibly watch. In fact, there are ten “Real Housewives” series alone, and that’s only including the ones in the United States Exercise. Just kidding. Zoom with your friends. You can still meet with your friends online. Open Zoom, Skype, Google meets, or some other similar service and call up a few of your best pals. Or, if you’re like me, invite people you think are your “friends” to a Zoom call and proceed to sit in an empty meeting for forty minutes before realizing that no one will ever love you. Learn something new. Just because your summer internship was cancelled doesn’t mean you can’t put something on your resume. It just means you won’t. That is, unless you spend your time taking an online course or teaching yourself a new skill. Whether it’s French, C++, or “communication,” whatever that means, just memorize some rudimentary information and then add it to your LinkedIn page. But, let’s be honest, you probably won’t. Don’t lie to yourself. Play a game. If you’re into cute games, play some Animal Crossing. If you’re into gory games, play Doom. If you’re into me, play with my heart. Complete a puzzle. Pretend like you’re keeping yourself mentally stimulated by shoving together oddly-shaped wooden pieces to create an oversized photograph of a bridge or some horses. The real puzzle is what you’re going to do with your masterpiece once it’s finished. Use a dating app. Just because physical dating is out of the question doesn’t mean you can’t still be ghosted. Trust me. Since you can’t meet up with any one anyway, you can set your search distance to the maximum 100 miles. Plus, you don’t have to worry about your lack of experience with sexual intimacy because something happening is literally impossible. Or, at least more impossible for you than usual. Get a puppy. Get a new pet. Recognize that you are unable to care for it because you are an irresponsible individual who already barely takes care of yourself. Come to the realization that it would be unethical for you to bring another life into this world. Slowly depopulate the earth. Join an online group. Not only can you make new friends; you may also learn something new! There are groups for sewing, music, video games, and basically every other hobby you could have to pretend that you live an interesting and meaningful life. But be careful with what organizations you sign up for! Both terrorist organizations and improv comedy troupes are waiting for you to get bored to the point where you’ll join them. No one wants to join a hateful organization that has no concern for human life. And no one wants to join a terrorist group either. Become friends with inanimate objects. As the lady in the AT&T commercials has shown us, you can always put googly eyes on random objects to make quarantine companions. Meet my new friend, Reginald. Reginald is a pair of red pants that I refuse to wash because every time I do all my other clothes start to turn red. He is also a single father. Try hard drugs. Just because there aren’t any more B-frat parties doesn’t mean you can’t get coke. It just means it’s more sad when you’re snorting a line alone. Prepare for the upcoming apocalypse. Start stockpiling food, water, and whatever other things you might need when shit hits the fan. Some people say that you should be hoarding firearms, but I know better. Instead, gather up knives like they used to use before all these cushy guns came about. We’ll see who’s laughing when they run out of ammo... Recognize the ultimate futility of human endeavor. After all this, you can recognize that your life is still unfulfilled. You may then wonder if it will ever be fulfilled. Spoiler alert: it won’t. So why even try anymore? If COVID-19 has taught us anything, it’s that the seemingly adamantine structures of our society are truly just graven images thrown together in an attempt to escape our inevitable demise. No matter how many books you read or how many skills you log on your LinkedIn page, death comes for us all. Cook something new. Cooking is not only a vital life skill, but is also an enjoyable activity that can be done either by oneself or with friends. So why not try to make that eggplant parmesan you’ve been dreaming about for months? The only thing stopping you is yourself! Jackson Foran is the Sass Section Editor and a junior in the College studying philosophy, math, and psychology. He hasn’t left his house in weeks. This is not a joke. It’s a cry for help.