A Reasonable Person’s Guide to Campus

Four years ago, the Indy Sass section decided to create a guide to campus for all incoming students. Because all of those who may have enjoyed this directory have either graduated or died, and because of the sudden appearance of two years’ worth of ignorant children, we have decided, out of the goodness of our hearts, to repeat this effort with an updated manual and a new map (mainly because we can’t use the previous one because of copyright issues). We are aware that Georgetown has already attempted to direct you to the “important” spots on campus, but this was probably online, so either you didn’t listen and this will all be new information for you, or you did listen and you are a big nerd and I don’t care if you enjoy this article. 1) Arrupe: Irrelevant. Unless you’re on the basketball team, but I know that none of them read the Indy. 2) The Exorcist Steps: I’ve never seen the movie, but the prospect of having to use stairs instead of an elevator is scary enough for me. 3) Car Barn: Irrelevant. 4) Cooper Field: Draw a phallic image on the field when it snows. Other than that, irrelevant. 5) Copley: Irrelevant. Fake crypt. 6) Darnall: The worst freshman dorm. Only significant feature is the Kill Floor, labeled “K” on the elevator. You don’t choose to go to floor K. Floor K chooses you. Nonbelievers will say that it stands for “kitchen.” 7) Georgetown Visitation Preparatory School: I was informed that I will be canceled if I say anything about this location. 8) Harbin: Irrelevant. 9) Healy Hall: Old and only slightly relevant. 10) HFSC: Also Healy for some reason, except with an extra “e,” which I refuse to add. 11) Henle: Apparently very difficult to navigate despite being comprised of two parallel pathways. 12) Hotel: Where you’ll (allegedly) go if you catch COVID or your dorm’s mold gets too bad. 2/5 stars on Yelp. 13) ICC: Avoid at all costs. 14) John Carroll Statue: #cancelled. 15) Koi Pond: The only objectively good place on campus. Looking at fish is fun. 16) Lau: Floor 2 is for people who don’t want to study, and all the other floors are for people who don’t want to live. Highest concentration of public crying. 17) Leavey Center: Where the Indy office is located! Also the bookstore. Avoid at all costs. 18) Leavey Tower: Enter through the stairwell in the parking garage below Leavey and go all the way to the top. There, after passing “birds chirping maniacally,” you’ll find a semicircle of chairs around a recently used ashtray. You may find the warm remains of someone trying to get around the fact that we’re now a smoke-free campus, but you’ll never find who that person is. 19) LXR: Far. 20) McDonough Arena: If I’m being honest, the first I’ve heard about this place is from seeing it on the map I googled. 21) MedStar Surgical Pavilion: A desolate wasteland of eternal construction. Allegedly supposed to be finished in 2023, but it was supposed to be finished in 2019 during the 2018 fall semester. The reason I never went to my multivariable calculus recitation. 22) MSB: I don’t know the building’s name. The study rooms are great, but they’re built on the backs of starving children from developing countries. 23) Nevils: Worse than irrelevant. 24) O’Donovan’s on the Waterfront: Georgetown University’s premier restaurant. Described by Yelp reviewer William Z. as “really good,” if you ignore the unhealthy and gross food, the fascist staff, the regularity of food poisoning, and the rat sightings, you’re sure to find that O’Donovan’s is, in fact, “really good.” A great dinner date location for matches from American and GW who you’re really not invested in. 25) New North: The highest concentration on campus of people chewing Nicorette. (English, Philosophy, and Theology departments.) 26) New South: Where the guy with the knife was. 27) Regents: Stairs. 28) Reiss: Irrelevant. 29) St. Mary’s: Irrelevant. 30) Southwest Quad: Fun Fact! Quad is short for Quadrangle. Irrelevant. 31) The Tunnels: Legend has it that if you pull the toilet paper holder in the handicapped stall of the men’s room in the basement of Walsh, you’ll find a portal to a series of subterranean pathways used by secret societies from Georgetown’s past. Also rats. 32) VCW/VCE: Small. 33) Village A: Great rooftop apartments. Not so great basement apartments. If you live here, you’ll probably end up in the latter. 34) Walsh: Irrelevant. 35) White-Gravenor: Not white. Irrelevant. 36) Yates: I enter this building at the beginning of each Fall semester during a scavenger hunt because sinking a three-pointer is worth 25 points and then do not enter for the remainder of the year. Illustration by Jackson Foran Jackson Foran is the Sass Editor and a senior studying Philosophy, Math, and Psychology. He is the spooky figure from Leavey Tower

A Reasonable Person’s Guide to Campus