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Intense Hand-Holding: A Friendly Guide on Where to Fulfill Your Carnal Desires on Campus

February 29, 2020

Above: What the sad excuse for sex education that is public school health class taught me that intercourse is.

It’s already February and you know what that means: time to show your significant other(s) how much you really care. But if you’re anything like me, I’m deeply sorry. Anyways, Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, and it’s nice for everyone to be talking about the love in the air as opposed to the usual green- house gases. I’m sure all you couples out there were really hoping for some relationship advice from someone who hasn’t had romantic contact since a cashier accidentally touched my hand back in 2016. And when you ask, I deliver.

 

Because there is no ethical consumption under capitalism, it would seem that the best way to show you care would not be something from your wallet, but rather something from yourself. That’s right, I’m talking about ~relations~, and as far as I know, that means intense hand-holding or maintaining eye contact for over thirty seconds. Thus, I have handcrafted a list of the best hook-up spots on campus for when your roommate won’t leave (and when you’re not really into your roommate watching you, not that it matters, no shame here). Try them out, and if you can show me proof that you’ve done every single one of them, I’ll buy you a candy bar or something. Actually, I don’t really want to see the proof. Never mind. Anyway, here we go:

 

Copley Lawn

Copley lawn? More like Copulation lawn. (That joke took me four days.) Grab a tent or blanket to cover yourselves and go crazy right outside Healy. Why not let John Carroll get in on the action while you’re at it?That said, be sure to avoid this one if you’re allergic to grass. A friend of mine with a pollen allergy had to get tested afterwards last time he tried this.

 

The Graveyard

If you’re into spooky stuff or you’re just one of those Halloween people, this is always a good bet. You have to be extra special about using protection, though, or you might unwittingly become the parent of a reincarnated Jesuit ghost.

 

Literally Any Stairwell

I really wish I could tell you that this one is a joke, but I guess we don’t always get what we want.

 

The Tunnels

I wanted to let you know that I really thought about making a joke about the word “shaft” and the fact you reach the tunnels through a maintenance shaft, but I like to think that I’ve grown as a person to the point where I’m above that. Also, I’m pretty sure there is a (possibly bloody) mattress somewhere.

 

LXR Fifth Floor Common Room

You know who you are.

 

Downstairs Leo's

Downstairs Leo's already feeds your insatiable gluttony with the endless french fries, so why not use it as a place for the indulgence of lust as well? Two birds, one stone. Also, note that they keep the whipped cream by the waffle irons in the back right corner.

 

ICC Classroom

Maybe spice it up with a little roleplay: pretend you’re in an econ recitation and one of you can be the supply graph, the other the demand.

 

Literally Anywhere in the Business School​

The whole MSB is so nice and fancy you may be able to distract your partner from how you look. Plus, nothing is sexier than the exploitation of the worker.

 

Lau 2

The only floor in the library where you wouldn’t be making too much noise. Plus, if you cry afterwards (not that I do), you can just pretend you’re crying because of work like everyone else. Not because you feel some impossible shame for whatever just happened.

 

I truly hope you enjoyed this article (and will enjoy using it). As of right now, I will be spending Valentine’s Day convincing myself that the social construct of the romantic relationship is outdated and useless in an attempt to distract myself from the penetrating isolation at the core of my being, but if you’re not busy and you want to cross something off this list, just send me an email with the subject line as “Meeting with Lt. Pipeline.” It’ll make more sense later.

 

Jackson Foran

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