Well, it’s that time of year again. The time when kids eat too much candy, when teens throw toilet paper and eggs at homes, and when I scroll through Google Images looking for “models” to give themed skimpy outfits through the top-notch photo editing software that is Microsoft PowerPoint. Halloween is all about spooky stuff, and if me sitting alone in my room late at night with phrases like “full body person model no watermark” in my search bar doesn’t scare you, I’m not sure much else will. It sure scares my parents.
But this year is different—not in terms of me sitting alone staring at images of near-naked people on my laptop, but for everyone who actually does stuff on Halloween. Whether you plan on moving your party to Zoom or having a socially-distanced get-together, it sure won’t be what it was last year. Plus, the whole mask phenomenon means you have to wear another piece of clothing, even though—as we all know—Halloween is all about wearing the least. Now I don’t want to get political, but I’ll leave it at this: If Scooby Doo taught us anything, it’s that people who wear masks are usually the bad guys. Plus, if you do have a party without masks, you’ll already have a great costume for next year: You can be a real ghost!
Enough of this beating around the bush. Let’s get down to business.
Zoom Student:
You already spend the majority of your time on Zoom, so why not spend the rest of your time just pretending to be on it? Plus, since you don’t have to wear pants while on Zoom, you don’t have to wear pants while in costume.
What you’ll need:
Gray Georgetown t-shirt
Hot pink undergarments
Pink bunny slippers
Hot pink mask
Cardstock
Popsicle stick
What to do:
Print out a large zoom meeting screen on the cardstock.
Cut out the center image, leaving only the frame.
Tape the cardstock to a popsicle stick so that it is easy to hold.
Wear the shirt, undergarments, slippers, and mask as you usually would.
Hold the cardstock so it appears that you are the speaker in the meeting.
Let people know why you have such a high quality camera. (No, it’s not because you’re just that passionate about online classes.)
Presidential Candidate:
It’s election season, so dress up as your favorite geriatric white man hoping to become the next leader of the “free” world. Or dress up as your least favorite one. What’s the difference? Oh, that’s right. One told a white supremacist militia group to “stand back and stand by.”
What you’ll need:
Black pants
Dress shoes
Pick one of the following: yellow wig and orange makeup or gray wig and gray makeup
Red/blue tie
Mask supporting yourself
A Questionable Past
What to do:
Put on the pants, shoes, and tie.
Put on the wig and cover your face in makeup.
Put on the mask. Or, if you’re the other candidate, don’t, and infect everyone around you to the point where CNN calls the house a “hotspot.”
Go around flirting with some phrase associated with a candidate. For example…
“If Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her, but she is my daughter, so I’m single and ready to mingle.”
“Will you shut up, man, and just go out with me?”
California:
Who could forget everyone’s forty-third favorite state? Me on my third grade geography quiz, apparently, but that’s not important.
What you’ll need:
Retro t-shirt
Board shorts
Flip flops
California flag mask
½ gallon of gasoline
BIC® lighter
What to do:
Put on the T-shirt, shorts, flip flops, and mask like a normal person would.
Put the gasoline in an appropriate container for carrying at the party.
When at the party, douse yourself in the gasoline and use your lighter to set yourself ablaze. I know this might not sound safe, but it will likely cause those around you to run away. In our current situation, that sounds much safer than not setting yourself on fire.***
Toilet Paper:
Everyone was trying to get you a few months ago, so why not try to keep the streak (heh) up! Also allows for some interesting roleplay, if you’re into that.
What you’ll need:
Toilet paper
White boots
White mask
What to do:
Wrap yourself in toilet paper around the parts of your body that society deems necessary to be covered.
Put on the boots and mask.
Make sure everyone knows how much you want to be used.
If you’re as frozen by fear as I am whenever you have to make the simplest decision, check out this quiz I made for you to pick what you should wear. This quiz has no authority in any way, but that doesn’t mean you can’t use it so that when everything on Halloween inevitably goes to shit, you can just blame the universe because nothing is ever your fault.
All in all, I hope that every single one of you has a great and healthy Halloween. Except maybe a few of you. I can’t tell who reads these articles, but chances are I hate at least one of you, and I’m not going to pretend like I’m morally superior and refuse to wish harm on others. But everyone else, please have a wonderful time! See you all next year.
***All of the previous is commentary for informational purposes only. All statements and expressions are the opinion of Jackson Foran and are not meant to be a solicitation or recommendation to buy, douse oneself in, or ignite gasoline.
Jackson is a junior in the College studying Philosophy, Math, and Psychology. He wonders what the point of life is without a Joe Biden gf.