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Derek Engen and Mitch Rimerman’s Contemporary Wanderings: An Inquiry into Met Gala Sartorial Trends

We are Derek and Mitch, and we’ve been working really hard to avoid seeing these Met Gala fits. This is the first time we’ve seen (most) of these fits, and these are our absolutely honest first reactions, transcribed from a very cringey video that will never, ever be released.

Rihanna and A$AP Rocky

Mitch: Oh my god! What is that? Is that Travis Scott?

Derek: No, it’s A$AP Rocky…

M: Really?

D: Yeah… It reminds me of a kindergarten puzzle map.

M: With the roads on them?

D: Yeah. He belongs to the streets.

M: Rihanna looks kinda good. It also looks like a trash bag, though.

D: Like a matte trash bag, though.

M: They look a little formless for me.

D: They could definitely use some tailoring.

Natalia Bryant and Conor Ives

Derek: I think that’s the Kardashian look. Mitch: I disagree. Have you ever seen Willy Wonka?

D: Yeah, with Augustus.

M: No, that’s the fat kid from the beginning. I’m talking about the girl that turns into a blueberry.

D: Oh yeah. Blueberry Girl from Willy Wonka, if I remember right.

M: Yeah.

D: And she’s standing next to a very normal guy, who is wearing very normal clothes. No socks, though. I guess that’s his statement: “I have sweaty feet at the Met Gala.”

M: How exactly does her dress fit like that? Is it like wooden frames? Or like a vacuum pipe?

D: I think it’s very possible that at the bottom there’s just one of those torches they use for hot air balloons.

Vera Wang

Mitch: Vera Wang’s dress. Is that a dress?

Derek: She’s more or less dressed. But mostly, she’s wearing socks. So I’m guessing that she and the guy without socks did not get along. They were like “No, you’re completely wrong on this one.”

M: It’s mostly just confusing to me. At least she’s compensating for the lack of pockets on the majority of women’s clothing. What do you think she has in there? An iPad?

D: Maybe a Mini. At best.

M: It’s weird because it’s Hellenistic with the drapery, but whatever these socks are, they’re from like 20021.

D: I guess Vera Wang is the past, present and future of the Met Gala. Positive reacts.

Kid Cudi

Mitch: Kid Cudi’s… fit. I think he’s going to a sleepover. I think he’s wearing a 5 year old’s shower curtain.

Derek: Is he wearing pants under that?

M: Yeah, he was dressed for a regular party and was like, “What can I do to make this wack?”

D: He’s just wearing normal clothes and a see-through shower curtain.

M: Lose the shower curtain, and then you’re clean.

Kim Kardashian

Mitch: I’ve seen this one. Have you seen this one?

Derek: (Indignantly) Well, I didn’t know it was Kim Kardashian until now.

M: I don’t get the statement.

D: Well, this character hasn’t been unlocked yet, so clearly whatever is going on is valuable.

Erykah Badu

Derek: W h a t ?

Mitch: So she’s wearing a top hat. And an egg? Does she have a bag with a gun?

D: I think it’s a doll effigy.

M: No, no. It’s a weiner dog. Do you see the head?

D: That’s actually a really disproportionately long weiner dog.

M: That bag looks like it could fit one really long lipstick. What is that even for? What would you possibly put in that?

D: I mean, I could think of one thing. And it’s a really long wiener dog.

M: Are those Mentos on her dress?

D: I’m going to propose that they might not be.

M: Yeah, fair.

Justin Bieber

Mitch: This is not tailored well.

Kim Petras

Derek: Wow!

Mitch: So, she’s a horse girl. She has balloons in her pants.

D: I feel kind of stupid for asking this, but it that a 3-dimensional horse head? Or is it just a really deceptive print?

M: No, it is.

D: Wow. That’s almost unimaginable. “Let’s put a 3-D horse head on your entire torso.”

M: How does she get anywhere?

D: It’s gotta be such a pain to get into a bathroom stall with that dress. That horse is getting smacked.

M: Oh my god.

D: If you have to go to the bathroom, you’re done.

Evan Mock

Mitch: I hate this.

Derek: I hate this.


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