Twas the night before finals, and the campus all through,
Every student was weeping, that’s right, even you.
The studying days were coming to an end,
While students reviewed all they could comprehend.
The econ kids studied demand and supply,
Holding back tears; it shows weakness to cry.
The math majors looked over practice tests TAs gave them,
Hoping their calculators would be there to save them.
The foreign language students, they tried to persist,
As if Google Translate didn’t already exist.
But American Studies kids didn’t, I’d wager,
Because, let’s be honest, that’s not a real major.
The MSBros were reading the Introduction
On Separating Workers from the Means of Production.
The psych students read about studies on why
The finals at Georgetown make everyone cry.
The SFS kids studied International Relations,
And how to undermine governments in other nations.
The kids in the health school (I don’t know its name)
Found health problems for which our dorms are to blame.
There’s probably some other majors that I could add,
But I can’t think of them, so I guess that’s too bad.
Suddenly there came a great noise from the sky,
And the students all came out to see what, who, how, and why.
From the clouds descended a decadent sleigh,
And a figure emerged with a great display.
He appeared: a great bulldog, carrying a sack,
“Oh my!” chimed the students, “It must be Saint Jack!”
“That’s right, I’m Saint Jack,” the bulldog replied,
And he continued his speech with, “And I’m on your side!
I’ve come to help you, and it must be done fast,
For what’s left of study days isn’t going to last!
I’ve brought something for you, a magnificent note,
It’s something that the administration wrote.
I’ll read it for all of you now,” Saint Jack said,
And he pulled out a paper, and here’s what he read:
Hello there dear students, we hope you are well,
Even though everything’s going to hell.
There’s a great disease and lots of people are dying,
And you’re trapped at home, and the president’s lying.
But there’s no need to cry, and there’s no need to pout,
Because we’ve sent you a survey to fill out!
“A survey?!” The students in unison cried.
“Why yes, it’s a survey!” the bulldog replied,
“We think that it’s time to complete some healing,
So on a scale of one to five, tell them how you’re feeling.”
“Is that all we get?” the students all asked,
Their faces all gloomy and extra downcast.
“Why no,” said Saint Jack, “There’s another thing:
We’ve updated the schedule for the coming Spring!”
The students all cheered for a miracle was sent.
More breaks surely must have been what Saint Jack meant.
“That’s right,” Saint Jack said, but he wasn’t done,
“We’re combining Easter and Spring Break into one!”
Then everyone realized why this didn’t fit…
The administration just didn’t give a shit!
They sent out emails with surveys to do,
And even some “motivational messages” too.
But the one thing they seem to have failed to provide,
Was any evidence that they actually tried
To help all the students stay mentally healthy,
Instead of just trying to make the school more wealthy.
They lowered tuition, but not by that much,
And took the cash from fin aid students and such.
Jack wasn’t much help, as I’m sure you can tell,
With keeping students from spring semester hell.
But there’s no reason to cry, to pout, or to wail,
Just make sure you set your classes to pass/fail!
Jackson Foran is a junior in the College studying Philosophy, Math, and Psychology. He thinks that anyone who uses slant rhymes is a false poet.